This month, I am celebrating 11 years of blogging. I started during the final months of earning my Psychology degree, and it’s hard to believe that more than a decade has gone by. Thank you so much to everyone from around the world who has read my work. I hope you’ve been able to find something useful and/or insightful here. To celebrate, we’re going to revisit some fabulous flashbacks with plenty of updates.
We are in the thick of another election season, and that has me thinking about choosing a running mate — a.k.a. your divine partner/spouse. I’ve already shared my story of how I became a wife this year. I did things very differently this time which I will explain in a little while. Back to the election analogy.
In the 2016 election, President Donald Trump — then, first time presidential candidate Trump — said he wanted to pick a vice-presidential running mate who was strong in areas where he was weak. I believe that should be one of the top priorities when picking a life mate, as well. Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “You shouldn’t marry a mirror.” What he meant was, you shouldn’t marry someone who is exactly like you and likes all the things in life that you do. Yes, it’s important to have big things in common like religious beliefs, common goals for you as a couple and as a family, but in my opinion and observation throughout my lifetime, the true strength of a couple is only realized when trouble strikes (and it always does). It’s important to have at least one person in the relationship who is strong in that area to cover for the both of them and show the weaker one how to rise up and become stronger.
This has always been my personal and professional opinion. However, that opinion has changed somewhat now that I’ve experienced being in union with my soulmate. I thought that you needed to be with someone who you had similarities in the nonnegotiable deal breakers. I also knew that I am so vastly different from everyone else I know that the chance of finding someone who was similar to me was nonexistent. I was wrong and have no problem admitting it.
My husband and I are so similar that we often have the same thoughts at the same time, rarely disagree on topics and can pretty much speak for each other because we are so aligned in our thinking. This is such a precious gift to me that I’ve never experienced before. We do tend to be in one mind and one accord the vast majority of the time, as the Bible talks about. We have different interests in some areas, and I think that’s very healthy. We support each other in those endeavors, and that’s an important ingredient of any successful relationship.
I learned while studying Social Psychology and working as a research assistant in a university laboratory studying couples in relationships that opposites do not, in fact, attract. Their differences are so great that they appear to be all an outsider can see, but they actually have many things in common which bring them together and keep them together.
Real love is not a battlefield
You couldn’t turn on the news or look at social media in Fall 2015 without seeing stories about NFL player Ray Rice and how he assaulted his then-pregnant fiance earlier that year.
Jason Witten, a former Dallas Cowboys tight end and the player rep for the National Football League Players Association, weighed in on the Rice situation on DallasCowboys.com. “It’s disappointing to see. I don’t know all that happened, but I did see the video,” Witten said of the revealed tape. “Obviously it’s unacceptable. Not only in the NFL as professional athletes, but as men in this world. We’re all accountable for our actions and how we handle ourselves in this setting. There’s no question you’re a role model.”
Nick Eatman, DallasCowboys.com staff writer, revealed that Witten grew up in a home where reported domestic violence was prevalent.
“For somebody [who’s] an advocate for [stopping] domestic violence … seeing that video, it was disappointing to see,” Witten said. “More than anything, domestic violence is real and something that goes on and is frequent. I think a lot of athletes do a good job with that. We don’t know what happened there, but from what we see, obviously it’s disappointing.”
Rice was married during this revelation to another woman, Janay, who publicly stood by her man. This outraged many people. I understand it, though. I don’t know if she endured any abuse by him, but in most cases, wives want to believe the best in their counterparts. Wives also put a lot of time and effort into building a life with their husbands and are not usually quick to throw in the towel — unlike many men who will divorce a woman quickly when infidelity or other harmful actions to the relationship are discovered.
Then, there is also the fact that many married women want to save face. They want other people to think well of the relationship, and — at least on a subconscious level — anything less would cause them to have to admit that they made a mistake which can be hard to do when you’ve invested so much of yourself into another person. I completely get this because I’ve experienced it all. What I can say is that when you get real with yourself and love yourself enough to value your own worth and not allow others to mistreat you, it empowers you to take control of your life, make decisions that will benefit you most and open yourself up to attract people who will also value you.
When studying Violence in the Family we talked about how domestic violence is so much harder to deal with because those being abused typically love the offenders and often are put in situations where they have to defend the person or can’t leave — such as not having any money or being isolated from friends and family. They are also ashamed and often make excuses — especially when no physical violence is involved. It’s important to remember that physical or sexual abuse are not the only forms. Verbal, psychological and financial abuse are also forms of it.
One positive thing that resulted from the publicity of this 2015 incident was the #WhyILeft #WhyIStayed Tweets on Twitter/X which gave domestic violence survivors a voice. The Fifty Shades of Grey movie also resumed the conversation on abuse and unhealthy relationships.
I know you know this, but I will state it anyway: Abuse of any kind is not healthy or right. If you spend time learning to love yourself first before entering a relationship or marriage and you continue to practice self-loving actions, you will most likely avoid being in these situations.
I would be remiss if I didn’t let you know that if you think you may be experiencing physical or psychological abuse, help is available. I’d advise you to get in a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or live chat at www.TheHotline.org.
Senée Seale Luchsinger is a book author, mental health professional and life guide passionate about helping people transform their lives and relationships. If you’d like to book a personal session with Senée, she’s accepting new clients.
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