Who gets to define who you are?

Too sensitive. Too ambitious. Too independent. Difficult. Not enough. Sometimes, a label follows you long after the person who gave it to you is gone. Eventually, you may stop recognizing it as someone else’s opinion and begin repeating it as though it’s an objective fact about who you are.

That’s why one of the most important questions you can ask when examining your self-concept is surprisingly simple: Who told me that?

How can other people’s labels affect your self-concept?

The American Psychological Association describes self-concept as our description and evaluation of ourselves, including our characteristics, qualities, abilities and roles. Self-concept contributes to identity and can influence our judgment, mood and behavior.

A label can become especially powerful when it turns a particular experience or behavior into a permanent identity.

I made a bad decision becomes I’m stupid. I experienced rejection becomes I’m unwanted. I failed at something becomes I’m a failure.

The event may be real. However, the identity we’ve attached to it may deserve another look.

Why do labels sometimes stay with us for years?

In The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First, I wrote about something I learned through the Nurturing Parenting curriculum while working as a Behavioral Clinician with children and families: Identifying negative labels placed on us when we were young can be an important part of recognizing how those labels have influenced the way we think about ourselves.

I discovered this while examining my own labels.

My dad called me “pretty girl” when I was little, but he wasn’t around much during my life, and interestingly, that label didn’t really stick. What did stick were boys in junior high and high school calling me “too skinny” and “bony.”

Years later, after losing 70 pounds and returning to the ideal weight for my height, I was skinny shamed again. It made me wonder how much that early label had influenced the way I thought about my body. Sometimes, the person disappears while the label remains.

Does accepting feedback mean allowing someone else to define you?

No. Emotional sovereignty isn’t refusing feedback or assuming everyone who criticizes you is wrong. Someone may point out a behavior you genuinely need to examine. You can consider whether you behaved selfishly, made a poor decision or acted in a way that doesn’t align with your values without transforming the behavior into a definition of your worth.

In my Kingdom framework, I think of it this way: Someone can approach the gates with an observation. They don’t automatically get a seat on your throne. You can consider the information while retaining authority over your identity.

Can believing you can change affect what you do?

Research discussed by psychologist and cognitive scientist Dr. Art Markman has examined the difference between seeing characteristics as fixed and believing they can change. Research involving psychologists Drs. David Yeager and Carol Dweck and their colleagues has found that beliefs about the potential for change can affect how people respond to difficulty and social adversity. That’s one reason language matters.

I’m terrible at this sounds permanent. I’m learning how to do this differently leaves room for growth. The second statement doesn’t require pretending you’ve already mastered something. It simply refuses to turn your current location into your permanent address.

Are your experiences the same as your identity?

An experience can become part of your story without becoming your identity. You may have been abandoned. Abandoned doesn’t have to become who you are. You may have been betrayed. Betrayed doesn’t have to become who you are. You may have experienced failure. Failure doesn’t have to become your name.

The Nurturing Parenting curriculum compares the self to a picture puzzle composed of thousands of pieces. As I wrote in The Princess Guide to Loving Yourself First, we are works in progress, and the more internal work we do to put together those pieces, the clearer the picture of who we are can become.

One piece is not the whole picture. The Elegant Woman is the whole picture.

How can you begin choosing your own labels?

I invite you to begin by noticing the words you routinely place after “I am.” Next, ask yourself where you first heard them. Consider whether the label describes an objective pattern you want to address, an experience you’ve mistakenly turned into an identity, an outdated version of yourself or simply someone else’s preference.

Then, take it before your own throne. Is it true? Is it healthy? Does it align with your values? Does it reflect the woman you intend to be?

Choosing your own labels isn’t about creating a flattering fantasy. It’s about becoming discerning about what you allow to define you.

Other people are entitled to their opinions. They don’t get your throne.

I explore this conversation more deeply in Choosing your own labels: Why other people don’t get to define you on Becoming: Conversations in Elegance & Empowerment. You’re invited to listen on Spotify, YouTube or wherever you enjoy podcasts.

If you’re questioning whether you’re seeing yourself or a relationship clearly, you’re also invited to explore The Clarity Reset, my private coaching offerings and my books at BecomingPublishing.com.

Senée Seale Luchsinger is a therapeutic transformation guide, author, podcaster and public speaker passionate about helping women create lives filled with purpose, confidence and joy. Find out more about her books and offerings or schedule her to speak at your event at BecomingPublishing.com. You’re invited to join the VIP Inner Circle email list there for exclusive offers and invitations. You’re invited to listen to Becoming: Conversations in Elegance & Empowerment, recognized among the Top Elegance Podcasts of 2026 by Feedspot.