Why do we wait for someone else to believe in us?

There is nothing wrong with wanting encouragement. Psychologist Dr. Albert Bandura’s research on self-efficacy actually identifies verbal persuasion — encouragement from others — as one of the sources that can influence our belief in our ability to accomplish something. The problem begins when encouragement becomes permission.

Support says: I believe in you. Permission says: You may proceed. Those are very different things.

Why does being chosen feel so important?

Being chosen gives us external evidence.

• The promotion tells us someone thinks we’re qualified.
• The publishing contract tells us someone thinks we can write.
• The invitation tells us someone thinks we belong.
• The sale tells us someone thinks our work has value.

Those experiences can be meaningful. Their absence, however, doesn’t automatically prove the opposite is true. I learned something about this at a very young age.

At my senior prom, I knew nobody was going to nominate me for prom queen. So, I nominated myself. I didn’t win. I didn’t even make the final two who were voted on.

Years later, I became a national beauty queen. The girl nobody thought to nominate —for anything but especially prom queen — eventually wore a national crown. The important lesson isn’t that believing in yourself guarantees you’ll eventually win. It doesn’t. The lesson is that someone else’s failure to recognize something in you doesn’t automatically mean it isn’t there.

Why does someone else’s approval make a decision feel safer?

Believing in ourselves requires us to accept risk. If everyone tells us an idea is wonderful and it fails, at least we weren’t alone in believing it could work.

When we proceed against other people’s advice, we have to tolerate the possibility that we could be wrong all by ourselves. That’s one reason sovereignty requires responsibility.

The Elegant Woman gathers information. She seeks credible counsel. She examines evidence and possible consequences. Then, she decides. She doesn’t confuse sovereignty with stubbornness, nor does she govern her life by committee.

What does psychology tell us about self-directed motivation?

Drs. Edward Deci and Richard Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory identifies autonomy, competence and relatedness as fundamental psychological needs. We want connection. We want to feel capable. We also want to experience our choices as our own.

Healthy kingdoms can cooperate, exchange information, seek counsel and support one another without surrendering governance. — That’s the distinction between accepting encouragement and requiring permission.

How can you become your own biggest cheerleader?

I recommend that you start with evidence. Dr. Bandura called successful previous experiences Mastery Experiences. You can begin identifying them in your own life by asking yoursef:

• What have I accomplished?
• What have I survived?
• What skills have I developed?
• What problems have I solved?
• What have I figured out when nobody was there to show me how?

Becoming your own biggest cheerleader doesn’t require believing you’re wonderful at everything. It requires becoming a credible witness to your own abilities.

In life, sometimes, nobody nominates you. Sometimes, you have to pick up the pen and nominate yourself.

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Becoming: Conversations in Elegance & Empowerment is recognized by Feedspot as one of the Top 20 Elegance Podcasts for 2026. The podcast explores confidence, emotional sovereignty and the evolution of the Elegant Woman through psychology, lived experience and the Crown & Throne framework.

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Senée Seale Luchsinger is a therapeutic transformation guide, author, podcaster and public speaker passionate about helping women create lives filled with purpose, confidence and joy. Find out more about her books and offerings or schedule her to speak at your event at BecomingPublishing.com. You’re invited to join the VIP Inner Circle email list there for exclusive offers and invitations. You’re invited to listen to Becoming: Conversations in Elegance & Empowerment, recognized among the Top Elegance Podcasts of 2026 by Feedspot.